Friendships among girls and women are some of the most important relationships that girls and women develop during their lifetimes.
Friendship teaches children to understand others and learn about themselves. Good friendships can help girls feel accepted for who they are and teach them to better express their feelings.
“Helped with my anxiety, I can express myself more and talk about my feelings.”- GFS focus groups
But because friendship has the power to impact children’s overall well-being, bad friendships can do just the opposite.
We know friendships are an important part of any child’s social development, and while there are consistent gender differences in children’s play, friendship is important for all genders at all stages of life.
“GFS has helped me with trying to make new friends at school and try to communicate with the boys I don’t like to try to become their friend.” – GFS focus groups
As part of our focus groups, held in February-March 2023, we asked girls a few key questions about what makes them happy and what makes them unhappy at school.
From their answers, it was clear that girls really value spending time with their friends within the school environment, but often worry about what their peers think.
“I like it where me and my friends can hang out and have quiet time.” – GFS focus groups
But if girls’ friendships are just as valuable to their mental health and well-being as boys’ friendships are, why are friendships between girls constantly stereotyped and socially less valued?
“My friends are funny. It makes me happy.” – GFS focus groups
Girls are allowed to have healthy, happy relationships with others.
By now, you’ve probably heard your fair share of stereotypes about friendship between girls. You may have even believed a few of them.
In fact, when I started looking for data and studies from other organisations, one of the top related searches was ‘why are female friendships not as good as male ones.’
But despite stereotypes, it isn’t just girls that are ‘mean’ to other girls.
“I’m the only girl on my table. Someone is always mean to me on my table and says mean things. Makes me feel upset, I don’t like the boys.” – GFS focus groups
“People are sometimes mean to me, sometimes boys, sometimes girls.” – GFS focus groups
“In school… people’s attitudes, some people do stuff for attention or to make you sad or to be annoying. Sometimes people are just not nice.” – GFS focus groups
Of course, boys’ friendships aren’t worth more or less than girls’ ones. However, this does go to show just how much gender bias can shape our views and behaviours in our relationships with others.
The main difference in friendship between genders is that girls are more likely to form smaller, more intimate friendship groups than boys.
“Sometimes I get sad when friends leave me out of games when it’s playtime.” – GFS focus groups
The relationships we develop in childhood affect us in many ways. Good friendships can encourage healthy boundaries, help us feel safe and supported and give us a sense of community.
Friendships lay the blueprint for our future relationships, including romantic ones.
“I’m new at school, only been there a few weeks so I am making friends, but I had friends back where I used to live. Sometimes I cry before going to school because I feel lonely.“ – GFS focus groups
On the other side of the coin, bad friendships can teach children their thoughts and feelings don’t matter and that they should accept poor treatment from others.
What happens when friendship goes ‘bad’?
Dove Self-Esteem Project expert, Dr Tara Cousineau says girls manage stress with a coping method called ‘tend and befriend’.
It’s a survival strategy, that girls and women particularly rely on. She goes on to say that for many girls, being accepted by a group is a way to protect their self-esteem, especially in the vulnerable years of early adolescence.
Because girl children place more importance on fitting in and being accepted by other girls, bad friendships can really take a toll on their mental health and overall wellbeing.
“I’m scared to mess up friendships.” – GFS focus groups
In an article in Psychology Today, Laura Choate Ed.D., LPC said, girls who are highly concerned with others’ opinions, as well as her standing in her current relationships, may sacrifice her needs and desires to please others.
“Friendship groups falling apart and my close friendship group changing and friends arguing.” – GFS focus groups
This can hold the girl back from ever learning what she really thinks or believes, because she is used to doing what others want of her.
She may do everything can to ‘keep the peace’, learning to ignore her own opinions and go along with what she thinks will make her friends happy.
“In my friendship group, two friends are always arguing and me and my other friend have to choose sides and get caught in the middle. I try to keep out of it and just hang out with my other friend. People will hate you if you choose a side.” – GFS focus groups
Laura Choate went on to say, that when a girl keeps quiet about her feelings and continues to ignore her own needs, she becomes vulnerable to depression. Because the girl no longer feels able to voice her feelings or opinions, she may also begin to feel powerless and helpless.
Between their tween and teen years, girls’ confidence that other people like them falls from 71% to 38%. By the time girls have reached their teen years, they’re 27% less likely than teen boys to feel confident that they can make new friends, leaving only 40% of teen girls feeling very/extremely confident they can make new friends, compared to 50% of boys
“I don’t know who to trust (friends)” – GFS focus groups
Our early relationships with other people shape the path we take for our future relationships with others. This trend can affect her future friendships, but it can also leave her unable to assert herself in romantic relationships in the future too, leaving her in a vulnerable state.
“I don’t like arguments and drama because I get stresses and say things I don’t mean. They don’t want to hear it when I say I’m sorry.” – GFS focus groups
More than half of girls and young women aged 7 to 21 find it difficult to tell a friend when they’ve been upset by them (Girl Guiding, 2020 Girls Attitude Survey).
This was consistently difficult for girls and young women no matter where they were in the surveyed age range.
The survey results further explain that this feeling is likely driven by a desire to be popular and liked, with over half of girls sharing their wish to be popular with their peers.
“I’m happy when people talk to me but sad when they leave, and I feel lonely a lot.” – GFS focus groups
Focus groups run by children’s charity Barnardo’s Cymru’s found that girls feel the need to be aware of how they present themselves to their peers to avoid being bullied or socially excluded.
Girls who had something ‘different’ about their appearance, such as a physical disability, a lack of personal care and grooming, or ill health, could draw a bully’s attention.
“In my first form group I got bullied and had to move forms and start again. It took ages to get used to it, but the teacher introduced me to some girls and it’s okay now because I’ve got friends.” – GFS focus groups
Girls are more likely than boys to experience other types of bullying than physical bullying. So, it comes as no surprise that anything seen as emotional or intellectual weakness could also put them in a bully’s sights.
Unhealthy competition
If you’ve ever seen a movie targeted at teen girls, you’ve probably seen a plot line where girls are competing against each other aggressively for things like popularity or boys.
This drives unhealthy competition, but also creates stereotypes and troupes of female friendship, which cause social biases and gender expectations to grow.
Think of, the frenemy troupe, the often exclusionary ‘squad’, the BFF who fulfils all your needs, plus endless stereotyping and a major focus on appearances.
“I don’t like people, especially people talking about drama, people always judge others by the way they look, not their personality, it’s nice to get away from people.” – GFS focus groups
All this leaves young girls (and us) with unrealistic standards and stereotypes to live up to. It also re-enforces the need to compete against each other to achieve the unrealistic goals and standards created by stereotypes of female friendship and competition.
“The worst thing about school is I am smarter than some of my friends so sometimes they misunderstand me, so we have arguments.” – GFS focus groups
In the Girls Attitude Survey, girls said competition between girls was a big negative. Many girls aged 11 to 16 (41%) said they feel people expect them to compete with each other. That number further increases to 62% for those aged 17 to 21, reflecting the growing divides unhealthy competition creates for girls and young women.
“There is lots of girl drama in year seven and lots of girls strongly dislike each other and I worry that I’ll get caught up in the drama. I’m scared to make new friends because I worry about how I should be.” – GFS focus groups
The survey also asked what one thing girls think would make their lives better and they said they wished girls were more supportive of one another and weren’t expected to compete against each other.
There are many reasons why GFS groups are non-competitive spaces. To start with, we know girls become increasingly self-conscious as they age, and by the time girls reach adolescence they experience rapid decreases in confidence, which are not seen in boys.
“I feel safe with my friends here, can be relaxed and be yourself. Elsewhere I worry that people might judge me if I’m too confident.” – GFS focus groups
In order to build up girls’ confidence, they need a safe place where they are free of judgment and others’ expectations.
Friendship isn’t a luxury item
By now it should be clear that childhood friendships aren’t simply a nice to have. In fact, they’re vital to social-emotional development and even academic performance at school.
“My confidence in my social life (has grown) since before I came to GFS. When I went back to school, I put my hand up more.” – GFS focus groups
An article from the British Psychological Society noted that friendships provide companionship, but most importantly, a window into the thoughts, feelings and desires of another person.
“I’ve learned about being kind and treat everybody like you want to be treated.” -GFS focus groups
“I’ve got better at talking to people.” – GFS focus groups
“It’s helped me understand people better.” – GFS focus groups
“I’ve got better at meeting new people even when I’m nervous.” – GFS focus groups
“Talking about my feelings and what’s going on outside group.” – GFS focus groups
According to Dr Paul Schwartz, a professor of psychology and child behaviour expert, more than half of the children referred for emotional behavioural problems have no friends or find it difficult interacting with other children.
In an article in Hudson Valley Parent, Dr. Schwartz said children who have ‘good’ friends show higher self-esteem, are more social and can cope with life stresses and transitions. Children with good friends were also found to be less victimised by peers.
“(Picture of stack of stones) Each stone is a bit more courage because each time I come here I get more courageous.” – GFS focus groups
Friends also have a powerful influence on a child’s positive and negative school performance and may also help to encourage or discourage deviant behaviours. Compared to children who lack friends, children with “good” friends have higher self-esteem, act more socially, can cope with life stresses and transitions, and are also less victimised by peers.
“I want to say this in front of everyone – I feel comfortable here and feel like I can show off my anxiety whereas I have to cover it up at school.” – GFS focus groups
Many girls who come to GFS struggle to make friends at school, with many experiencing loneliness or feeling insecure. While childhood friendships may differ from adult friendships, they create the pattern for building friendships in later life.
“I wanted to make friends, but they didn’t want to be friends” – GFS focus groups
“People leave me out every day.” – GFS focus groups
“I don’t like playtime because I am always on my own and I can’t find anyone to play with.” – GFS focus groups
Those with additional support needs are more likely find it difficult to ‘fit in’ as they grow up.
While managing friendships can be challenging and a source of anxiety and stress for anyone, girls with conditions such as Anxiety and Autism, may find these challenges exceptionally difficult to navigate.
“People think I’m different because I like to express myself and they say calm down. I mask the way I like to express myself (flapping), so people don’t see it and judge me. I only do it in front of my best friend and my mum.” – GFS focus groups
The things we experience in childhood shape the adults we become. Friendship helps us develop social skills, such as learning to be sensitive to others’ viewpoints, learning the roles of conversation, and age-appropriate behaviours.
This leaves the girls that struggle to build positive friendships in childhood struggling and increasingly losing confidence as they grow. The fallout of this can reach long beyond childhood, affecting girls for the rest of their lives.
“A bad day at school makes me feel angry and uncontrollable. People laugh at me and I get into trouble for crying. Sometimes I don’t go into school if I feel really bad.” – GFS focus groups
Where do girls go to make friends when they don’t ‘fit in’?
School is where most childhood friendships start, but not all children fit in well at school.
In fact, if our Annual Report taught us anything, it’s that the girls who come to our groups are really struggling to fit in at school and at other after school activities.
At GFS, we support more girls with support needs than other similar settings, this includes disability, mental health needs, low self-esteem, gender identity questioning and so much more.
“I can be myself round these girls but it’s not the same in school. I feel less relaxed with new friends.” – GFS focus groups
When we think about what we know about bullying and social exclusion, we know the wonderful girls that come to us are vulnerable to becoming targets in places that push competition, sameness and gender roles.
Any part of a girl’s appearance or personality that could be seen as a vulnerability might be a risk factor for bullying. Leaving girls with disabilities and those experiencing deprivation more likely to experience bullying and negative relationships.
In fact, children with a long-term illness or a disability were more likely than other children to be bullied physically (25% compared to 14%) and in other ways (44% compared to 30%).
But in spaces where they don’t feel pressure to fit into a mould, they thrive. Non-competitive after school clubs and activities can give them an important chance for them to socialise outside of the restraints they may feel at school.
“It makes me feel more normal (everyone can be weird here)” – GFS focus groups
In the Children Society’s guide to supporting young people with their friendships, young people shared that adults could help when there are friendship problems by creating opportunities for young people to spend time together.
The guide also shared that having friends outside of school, such as youth clubs like GFS, can take the pressure off having to rely on one friendship group, such as those commonly formed in school.
“GFS feels like heaven, better than school. There’s lots of activities, fun instead of work.” – GFS focus groups
Girls need GFS
Non-academic after-school activities like ours provide a safe, non-competitive environment, where girls feel accepted and more able to be themselves, and form genuine, supportive friendships as a result.
GFS and other such groups are vital to girls’ healthy social development and overall wellbeing. And our data tells us just how much GFS means to the girls who come to us.
“Knowing I can be myself without having to change in my friendship group.” – GFS focus groups
“GFS has helped me with being positive and standing up for myself against bullies and mean people.” – GFS focus groups
“I have got better at being confident and I find it easier to speak to people and be less shy.” – GFS focus groups
GFS helps girls manage their relationships outside of group through developing key skills such as confidence, self-esteem, trust, communication and the ability to choose good friends
Friendship is important to all of us, at all stages of life. Gender roles and social hierarchies can create complicated barriers, but when girls are given the tools, they need to overcome these challenges, they can thrive.
“Being able to see what you need in a friend, not just who you think you should be friends with.” – GFS groups
“I have got better at meeting and interacting with new people.” – GFS focus groups
“I’m picking better friends, nicer people.” – GFS focus groups
“I’m making more friends and choosing wise friends.” – GFS focus groups
“Make trustworthy friends that are honest and loyal at GFS.” – GFS focus groups
“I know how to be a better friend.” – GFS focus groups
“(Picture of gymnastics) We have to work as a team to accomplish things. If one of us falls, we help each other up.” – GFS groups
For more information on the demographics of girls surveyed, please see our first focus group article.
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